


too much too soon

by priinceofheart



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, M/M, POV Jake English, Sadstuck, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, i guess, what do i even tag this as
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26583583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/priinceofheart/pseuds/priinceofheart
Summary: Looking back on it, it seems so obvious that something wasn’t right. That the way he smiled wasn’t truly *happy*, you were just too ecstatic to see him back to ‘normal’ that you didn’t question it.
Relationships: Jake English & Dirk Strider, Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	too much too soon

**Author's Note:**

> yeah idk what im doing here, might write more as i go
> 
> i just wasnt feeling too good one night and write this, so... here we are

Looking back on it, it seems so obvious that something wasn’t right. That the way he smiled wasn’t truly *happy*, you were just too ecstatic to see him back to ‘normal’ that you didn’t question it. You didn’t question why he seemed so chipper, yet so exhausted. Why he chose to invite all of your friends over, despite not being a party person. In hindsight, you know you should’ve listened to the twisting feeling in your guts and pulled him aside to talk to him. You contemplated it, watching him look at everyone with such a remorseful expression. You regret making yourself believe that everything was fine.

Everything _wasn’t_ fine. You know this now, and you wish you had done something. You wish you had refused the gifts he’d given you that night, the boxes of his most prized possessions that he thought you would like. Of course, everyone else got something as well, but he seemed to trust you with a few more of his personal possessions. Everyone else seemed hesitant at first, but accepted the gifts after Dirk insisted they keep it. He said he _didn’t need it_ anymore.

You tried asking him if he was sure about this, and he just sighed, that same damn smile on his face. He told you he thought you were a _good friend._ You don't agree with that statement, though. A good friend would've realized something was up. If you were a _good friend,_ you wouldn't have let him go so easily. You would've talked to him, to make sure he was okay. To make sure he wasn't planning anything.

“Fuck it,” He had said, chuckling dryly. “If I’m going to go out, I might as well be honest with myself first, huh?” You didn’t get to ask him what he meant; he kissed you almost immediately after he finished saying that. He lingered there for a bit, his lips pressed against yours, almost as if he was waiting for something. As if he was waiting for you.

You didn’t kiss back, or even move. You just stood there dumbly, surprised at what was happening. You couldn’t believe what was happening, and it was over before you knew it. He pulled away from you with a sigh, and he didn’t look at you as he patted your shoulder and left to rejoin the others. You wonder what he would've done if you'd kissed him back, if you had just told him you loved him. Maybe he wouldn't have tried taking his life.

After that, the two of you were never alone together, so you couldn’t ask him if anything was up. As far as you could see, nobody else felt worried. Nobody else seemed concerned about his sudden change in demeanour, or questioned the way he had hugged everyone when the party was over. He was always a cuddly person, you knew that firsthand, but you also knew that he’d avoid initiating anything physical if he could.

When he hugged you before you left that night, he held onto you for far longer than he normally would. You felt him tremble a little, but he had stepped away from you before you could stop to question him. He looked like he wanted to say something to you, but he just smiled and said ‘goodbye’ to you. _Goodbye_. You shudder thinking about the implications of that, that his last words to you would’ve been a final goodbye.

You should’ve asked him if he was okay, but you didn’t want to spoil his mood. It was the happiest you’d seen him in weeks, after a major depressive episode of his. You should’ve connected the dots, and you suppose you have only Rose to thank for being more observant than anyone else. You really owe her one.

You woke up late that night, your phone buzzing on the nightstand. By the time you’d put on your glasses and grabbed your phone, whoever that was calling had hung up. Looking at your phone, you saw you had numerous missed calls. Two from Jane, six from Roxy, and even one from Rose. Reading over the *many* texts you missed from your dearest friend Roxy, you felt your heart stop and blood run cold.

Your best friend, Dirk Strider, had attempted suicide.


End file.
